Where’s President Waldo, Campaign Edition
September 19, 2011 No Comments Noah Fram College of Arts and Science Class of 2013It appears that most people would be happiest if we declared the 2012 election a draw and spent the next four years governed by direct plebiscite. Yes, elected officials are that despised. On the one hand, we have the sitting President, Barack Obama, who has fallen victim to the Presidential curse of being really quite boring. He isn’t very good at claiming credit, isn’t very good at giving it, and almost wasn’t very good at paying it; has been painted as a Cowardly Compromiser by half the country, as a Flaming Liberal by half, and as a Secret Terrorist by the rest (his killing of Osama Bin Laden was part of a massive scheme, apparently. Unless George Lucas faked that, too); and hasn’t been wowing people with his oratory since he started receiving national security briefings every morning. Somebody give the man a Xanex prescription, I hear they’re selling them for gas credit and indulgences these days.
On the other, we have as merry a ship of fools as ever sailed the political seas. Captained by Mitt Romney…wait, no, it’s Rick Perry for this week…it barely seems sea-worthy, especially with how divided its crew has become. Aside from the captain problem, we have a man named Newt, Ron Paul the Perpetual, the rhetorically nimble Rick Santorum, the Tea Party’s latest female avatar, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, a few former governors, and somebody named Thaddeus McCotter. And it seems none of them are electable, depending on which pundit you listen to. Me, my money’s on Newt, just because I keep waiting for him to turn into John Cleese in a leather cap and start talking about bombarding Iran with apples.
Frankly, for those of us who doggedly keep faith in the efficacy of our fairly democratic system, it’s a little discouraging. We the People have a choice among all of this country’s elected officials and public luminaries, and the only ones we can talk into running are these folks? At least this election season made history in some small way: for the first time, an openly gay man declared his candidacy for President of the United States. Specifically, this is Fred Karger, an openly gay, Jewish man from California.
And he’s a Republican.
Problematically, his entire campaign appears to be based on tripping up Mitt Romney.
So let’s do a little thought experiment for the reader. The most…interesting of the front-runners (read: the front-runner who appears to rely on the standard platform the least) is probably Michele Bachmann, whose take on submission made for one of the most enduring sound bites of the campaign so far. Here, then, are the terms of our simulation: assume she wins, and is forced to compete with Obama in a national campaign. How does her rhetoric change? Or does it?
And then, once you’ve successfully made up your mind on that particular vagary, what about Mr. Romney? Or Mr. Perry? Or if by some mishap we end up with Thaddeus McCotter, what will he do? Nothing politicians say during the primaries can be taken as the gospel truth any more than anything else they say any other time. So really, all we know right now is that Ron Paul’s Presidential hopes are as invincible as a palmetto bug, Mitt Romney has a nemesis, Michele Bachmann is a submissive wife, Newt hasn’t gotten better yet, and there is a candidate named Thaddeus McCotter. Welcome to primary season.
Happy campaigning!
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