SATIRE: In Defense of DNA-altering, Microchipped COVID-19 Vaccines

April 30, 2021

I’m an avid supporter of the COVID-19 vaccine, but not in the ways you may expect. Yeah, it might protect you against a deadly virus, blah blah blah, but how often do you get the opportunity to alter your DNA and install a microchip in your body? And on top of that, completely free of charge? Talk about financial inclusivity! Here’s my case for why I’m 100% in support of getting microchipped and altering my DNA, and why you should consider embracing this opportunity to supercharge your genome before sucking the vaccine out of your body like venom from a snakebite.

Now, if you’re like me, you’ll know the struggle of not having won the genetic lottery, unlike some of our more blessed peers (looking at you, Chancellor Diermeier). So why not take advantage of the DNA-altering abilities of the vaccine while we still can? Might as well be mediocre with some fun superpowers, right? For many, this was cited as a much better alternative to finding a radioactive spider or source of gamma radiation á la Spiderman or Bruce Banner. First-year Christopher Maruffi could not contain his excitement for his post-vaccine powers. “I cannot wait to go web-slinging with my friends–in a socially distanced manner, of course–or maybe contribute my new Hulk-like abilities to a good cause, like the destruction of Carmichael Towers!” No matter what you find yourself doing, just make sure you thank the government for an experiment that finally didn’t end horrifically. Go USA! 

Imagine the “Find My Friends” feature on steroids, with a microchip that can become reality! With this brand new feature, I won’t have to spend hours looking for my lost friend just to find them drunk behind Chili’s at 2 A.M.! Beyond freakily accurate location services, microchip technology opens the door to a whole new slew of bodily enhancements–Cyberpunk 2077 could become reality sooner than we think! Who knows what extra features could come with the addition of COVID boosters? I, for one, welcome the idea of RAM upgrades, a 5G hotspot (a NECESSITY when dealing with campus WiFi), or even the addition of a Nintendo DS emulator so I can play Pokemon while doing nothing in Zoom breakout rooms. We might have to deal with the repercussions of this feature later, like when a U2 album inevitably gets randomly downloaded into our minds. But who cares about that when I can play iMessage 8 Ball telepathically with my friends 24/7? 

I can see why some people may have qualms about this, especially considering that the CDC is pushing the narrative that this is completely false information. This is quite strange, especially when you take into account that the U.S. government has never done anything remotely questionable behind our backs, ever. Why they would choose to now is completely beyond me! The liberal deep state works in mysterious ways. Some other valid questions have arisen in response to the microchip ability of the vaccine. Grace Kirtley, fellow pro-vaxxer, expressed her concerns: “I’m personally skeptical about the microchip’s hardware. Can I pair it with my Spotify?”

Despite rampant skepticism concerning the vaccine, I assure you, there is nothing to worry about. Besides, with a legion of Facebook moms right behind you, you’re virtually invincible. And for the microchip/DNA-altering-vaccine-deniers out there, I only have this to say to you–just know that when this information comes publicly available under the Freedom of Information Act in a few years, don’t say I didn’t tell you so! Anchor Down, Microchip In!

Image Credit: “Person Holding Syringe” (unmodified) by Anna Shvets