SATIRE: Trump Demands DC Hotel Be Declared a National Crisis


Stanley Zhao, Contributor

News flash: for the first time, former president Donald Trump took his own advice from The Art of the Deal— and he is paying for it dearly. The Trump Hotel in Washington is going under, adding to a diverse portfolio of bankrupt businesses that will make any accountant thrash in agony. In a fitful, teary rage partly induced by a condition called Twitter Deprivation Syndrome (TDS), Donald Trump railed to a gaggle of reporters that “we must send in the National Guards! We must defend our great patriots from the leftists! We must bring law and order to our countrymen and women terrorized by the liberal anarchists!”

Rest assured, no one is there to wreak havoc, and certainly not the leftists.  Looks like Mr. Trump drained the swamp…but got confused as to which swamp that is. Thank goodness the Okefenokee Swamp is safe and sound. 

A crown jewel of the Trump dynasty, the overly embellished Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C., was the grandiose center of the MAGA universe. For four magnificent years, the castle-like abode was the holy temple to the most lavish of patrons, its lobbies swamped with lobbyists, diplomats, and enthusiasts. For worshippers, the hotel is a must on the yearly pilgrimage route to witness the modern equivalent of Jesus-walking-on-water-and-turning-stuff-into-bread: Donald Trump sipping Diet Coke with both hands.

“There are 75 million Americans who would follow him to the end of Earth. I mean, they love the man, they love what he stands for,” said Eric Trump, Donald’s protege.

Other than the enticing spectacle of a soda-sipping Donald, there isn’t much to see. Wines are not a-pouring, chairs are not a-turning, and you certainly won’t find ten lords a-leaping. People will not be a-leaping down a vacant hotel reminiscent of The Shining. Perhaps Mr. King should have stayed there instead of the Stanley Hotel . In the meantime, don’t be surprised if “redrum” is inscribed in red goop on the lobby’s walls. But rest assured, it’s probably the grandchildren’s silly putty. And honestly, you also won’t be catching Rudy Giuliani reveling with the crowd, probably profusely sweating hair dye applied at his local Supercuts. Sir, hair dye is one thing you can’t scrimp on. 

But where are they, exactly? Answer: they have migrated south. They’ve headed for warmer weather, although Mar-a-lago can be both hot and cold, which is highly dependent on Melania Trump’s mood, but we’ve heard that it’s been cold for 16 loveless years anyway. Climate change does exist!

If you are still interested in booking a room on your next getaway to Washington, be on the lookout for a steep discount which you’ll certainly find on For $50 a night, Super 8 has got some tough competition. 

As for me, I look forward to the hotel being converted into a fancy White Castle. Those sliders are bound to be tastier on a china plate than the gold-foiled steaks. Perhaps it could serve as the official Presidential Library to house mementos from Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka, and Trump University. In the meantime, don’t worry. While the Capitol is busy being stormed by conspiracists, the wolves of Wall Street won’t be begging the pigs to be let into the hotel anytime soon. 

Image Credit: Women’s March 2019 Outside Trump Hotel by Vlad Tchompalov on Unsplash.