SATIRE: A Short Article on Bathrooms and Biological Sex


(A sample mock-up of the sign required by law. Made in Canva)

Benjamin Newcomb, Staff Writer

            Note: The following anonymous piece of writing was procured by VPR when a manila envelope containing a longer version of the article in an incomprehensible scrawl was slipped under the door to staff writer Benjamin Newcomb’s room in May. It is suspected that staff writer Newcomb was chosen due to his own poor handwriting and subsequent ability to decipher the scribbles of the draft article. This article is staff writer Newcomb’s best attempt at an abridged reconstruction and translation of the original piece, which was over thirty-five pages of manic notes and tangents ending in a request for publication of the “short article.” Despite containing content concerning the liberation of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals some may rightfully find both disgusting and disturbing, staff writer Newcomb has insisted that we publish the abridged piece as a sort of case study in bigotry, seeing as the foundational beliefs of the views reflected here are held and taken seriously in at least some form by loud portions of the public. Reader discretion is advised.


         All my life, I have been an adult female. Now, a threat is on the horizon to that existence. What could possibly be a threat to my biology? The gender ideology of the far left.

         Let me be perfectly clear in my position: I believe that you have the right to, as J.K. Rowling so beautifully proclaimed , “dress however you please, call yourself whatever you like, sleep with any consenting adult who’ll have you, and live your best life in peace and security.” Today, the far left has gone too far in putting females like myself at significant risk, and thus we must fabricate a solution to the “transgender question” so to speak.

         So, seeing as I am seeking to fabricate a reasonable solution to the “transgender question,” and since I am a champion of freedom, I also believe in ensuring that all individuals have a right to decide with whom they associate. As such, I think it is perfectly reasonable for the state to mandate that public businesses tell paying customers if that business has rejected the basic tenets of science and caved to hateful, sexist dogma. Indeed, I should wish that most hateful and sexist dogmatists reveal themselves directly to the public in unambiguous terms. It is a shame when adult biological females cannot even use the restroom without being threatened by the possibility of having a person biologically unlike them in the next stall over! What has this world come to?

         This of course, doesn’t mean that Tennessee’s bathroom laws aren’t without their  shortcomings. Nothing is, after all. What the new bill does is mandate that adequate signage (a sample is pictured above) be posted outside businesses that allow all biological sexes to use the bathrooms that users wish to use. Additionally, other existing laws protect the rights of biological females to have a space by categorizing the non-biological use of restrooms, locker rooms, and changing rooms as indecent exposure (even if they are in a stall). What Tennessee lacks, however, is some adequate enforcement mechanisms to protect biological females, and this is precisely what I wish to address!

         How effective is a law saying that a non-biological female appearing bathroom user cannot sit next to me if they can’t be easily detected or thrown out? And I think we all know what would follow from this. The different biological and hormonal structures of the male body, in addition to the way the shape of the skull encourages the growth of different, more desire oriented parts of the brain, would certainly cause… Well, I’ll let your imagination take care of the rest. This would naturally keep the humble moon-aligned, goddess-like females from using any sort of public restroom out of fear that an actor biologically unlike them should be in the stall next to them, despite the signage.

         There is only one solution: station armed-genital inspectors outside every public restroom (they cannot go in of course, that might disturb the privacy of the occupants). They would be educated enough to separate biological and non-biological users of each facility. This would easily be accomplished by significant training in scientific schools of biology such as anatomy and phrenology.

         Now, delusional TRA’s (Trans Rights Activists) may assert that what I’ve based my modest proposal on is actually no problem at all but is just regular people trying to use the bathroom comfortably. That in fact my own fear of not being able to categorize people immediately on superficial characteristics has driven me to thinking in a vicious manner, to the point where I cannot see anybody as human anymore, but as merely combatants in a grand conspiracy of the world and its institutions against what I perceive to be normal. They might charge that my view on trans people is not only wrong and wildly out of sync with the harsh realities of trans existence, but also hollows out my soul, fills me with a wretched bile that drives me to only more conspiracy and hatred, which inevitably manifests in vile, eugenics-like language and horrific and humiliating policy proposals for everyone. That I am frightened, because there are other people out there in pain, and to solve that pain, I may need to confront the vices of the world that I have allowed to be reflected in myself.

         If these criticisms were true, why would so many concerned citizens agree with my untrained analysis of the situation? It is evident that we must have clearly delineated genders and this delineation must be enforced at all costs, including our own humanity.