SATIRE: Texas Requires All Males to Undergo Vasectomies


Stanley Zhao

AUSTIN, Texas – In a virulent showdown of shrewd political posturing and cutthroat negotiations, the Texas Legislature passed a landmark bill, SB9, which mandates that all male residents of the state born after 2004 must undergo vasectomies. When a man wishes to have biological children with his partner, he may seek to reverse the vasectomy. Both the vasectomy and its reversal are free of charge and are paid for by state tax dollars in conjunction with block grants from the federal government. 

The vasectomy, a relatively simple and reversible medical procedure that blocks a man’s vas deferens from carrying sperm, is an effective method of birth control. After abstinence and contraceptive implants, the medical community agrees that the procedure is a very reliable and foolproof way to prevent unwanted pregnancies.

The legislation came as a resolution offered against rising trends in teenage pregnancies. To date, Texas has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the country, coming in seventh place. Policy experts found that this statistic is the result with relatively poor standards in sex education and restricted access to contraceptives in the state; rather than addressing the core of the issue like affordable birth control methods, analysts sarcastically quipped that “the legislature decided to instead implement the ingenious idea to mandate vasectomies.”

The passage of this Texas mandate was not, of course, without intense uproar and protest, especially from politicians and the general masses on the conservative side of the aisle. 

“Our rights and freedoms were given to us by God and cannot be taken away by the injustices of man,” decried former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo in a speech given to the House Republican caucus primarily comprised of men. “Government overreach is never the answer!”

Other prominent public figures have weighed in on the matter as well, citing the inherent right to one’s own body and personal choices. 

“Our bodies are our last sanctuary of liberty and freedom, I will defend that for everyone, even the progressive socialist jackasses who must be saved from themselves,” lamented Allen West, the former Chairman of the Republican Party of Texas. An unvaccinated West later contracted COVID-19, thus failing to defend his own body from a virus that has the fatal potential to take all liberty and freedom away without hesitation. 

Another prevalent argument made against SB9 included the transgressive manner in which the state government overstepped its bounds.

“Where did all these people get the idea they are the boss of the rest of us? We don’t need a nation full of hall monitors!” chided Rep. Lauren Boebert in the same meeting where she vowed to carry her handgun—and roaming the streets of DC reminiscent of the duties of a hall monitor. 

“Yikes. A government big enough to give you everything is big enough to take everything…literally!” tweeted Ted Cruz, the junior Republican senator from Texas. 

Political pundits recognize that these arguments are typically invoked to reprimand government measures that are seen as restrictions—especially in the healthcare field, such as the individual mandate under Obamacare, and most recently, vaccine and mask mandates. 

“I think you ought to have the choice to make your own medical decisions with your doctor,” says Cruz. 

SB9 was also passed in the tow of a recent study conducted by the Annie E. Casey Foundation to assess the quality of life of children across the fifty states and the District of Columbia. It was found that Texas ranked as the fifth worst state for children. In addition, other index scores that placed the state in the lowest tiers include its placement as 51st in the nation for the rate of uninsured children, 50th in health care accessibility and 42nd in children’s overall oral health. Texas Democrats, who spearheaded SB9, crafted the legislation as an attempt to rectify currently existing regulations on access to abortions, birth control, and expanded Medicaid services. By implementing a vasectomy mandate, Democrats hope that it would alleviate expenses of a hamstrung state Medicaid program as well as eliminating a potential burden that rape victims may have to face if they were to be impregnated by an assaulter. 

Texas governor Greg Abbott objected to the rationale, arguing that “no freedom is more precious than life itself.” Recently, U.S. News & World Report ranked Texas as 46th in quality of life.

Representative Lauren Boebert of Colorado’s 3rd congressional district agrees, adding that “rape victims need love. They need support. They need safety and healing. They needed a Glock 19 when it happened.”

“#YourBodyYourChoice,” Cruz confidently concluded.