BREAKING: Chad Floored by Rampant Halloweekend Cultural Appropriation


Connor Saeman


NASHVILLE, TN: In an astounding turn of events, Chad, of an undisclosed “top tier” house, reported yet another incident of cultural appropriation on Halloweekend. A reportedly “absurd” amount of party-goers were decked out in traditional Risky Business attire, flaunting the look without regard for the storied traditions of Vanderbilt Greek Life. As many as 50 “geeds” maliciously rocked white collared shirts, checkered boxers, backwards hats, white socks, and Sperrys.

To make matters worse, Chad’s worthy brothers spotted as many as 35 dope “Juul” clouds throughout their party. A vaping device that should only be used by The Boys, this is a shocking slight against the struggling Greek community. Even after the Interfraternity Council kicked off three entire fraternities in three years, prejudice persists at each and every fraternal event, from tailgates to pong nights.

To quote the unsuspecting victim: “Bro, what if they appropriate our coke next? This is, like, total B.S. dude!”

In the midst of his battles against a receding hairline and a weak Tinder game, Chad just cannot escape the oppressive anti-Greek culture of Vanderbilt. He is not alone.

Many of the victims of this weekend are promising HOD majors, just beginning to hit their stride after dropping pre-med. After this hurtful Halloweekend, many brothers couldn’t even make it out to Frisky Frog’s.

Wearing Risky Business attire just for the sake of wearing it degrades Greek culture by homogenizing the population that can rock the outfit, regardless of whether or not one cares about its profound cultural impact. If one does not appreciate the ancient roots of the backwards hat, one should not wear it as part of a costume.

To make a long story short, Halloween presents many opportunities for cultural appropriation to fly under the radar. It is the prerogative of the entire Vanderbilt community to prevent poor Chad from ever having to cope with such insults to his culture ever again.

On a more serious note: Cultural appropriation has no place in a Halloween celebration. Witty costumes do not have to insult cultures or belittle anyone. Embrace the educational caliber Vanderbilt provides, and make a hilarious costume that prods at something other than race or culture. There’s no need to make a fun celebration politically tense, and there’s no need to hurt other people. Have a happy Halloween, and don’t be insensitive.

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